Lust

I'm so sick of it. I know I'm a girl. I know I have this "romanticized" vision of sex, but why is that so unrealistic? Why does sex have to be recreational and meaningless?
I was talking to a friend today about how his friend got so close to losing his virginity at a party to a girl who was definitely messed up. Things went array and poor guy didn't get to go all the way.
Every guy needs the experience. That's all.
Seriously? So for guys losing your virginity needs to be completed as early as possible so you'll be experienced? I do get it from society's approach to sex. But why does it have to be that way.
I don't care if you want to mess around with someone you don't know very well. But can't we leave something for a person that you may actually love.
In my opinion, I respect guys that wait till they find a girl that they may love before making that choice. I don't respect guys that feel it is necessary for them to lose their virginity ASAP and they'll do anyone to have that. What pigs!
It just really bothers me that no one has the patience to wait for someone they love. That no one has the courage to fuck society's standards and follow some actual morals.  

I've been thinking latelu

I've struggled with anxiety for almost three years now. I've had my highs and lows, that's for sure. I know I've had periods of utter hell, but also beautiful times full of happiness, love, and joy. But recently, event though things really aren't that bad, I've been becoming more and more anxious. My body has become so sensitive, along with my heart. I feel so vulnerable. In the sense that if I screw up in any facet, I could be brinking a mental break-down. Not in the sense that I'll go crazy. More just that I'll lose control of my emotion (like I really have control of them now, but I like to think that I do). But more just that I'll become more sad, stressed, and anxious. Like when I make a mistake and hurt a friend, my heart plummets. I feel terrible for a while. I do everything I can in my power to fix the situation and try to help that person feel better and ask for their forgivenss, but in the end, there's not much I can do. And on the more biological aspect, my body can react to so much that didn't used to affect it. Or maybe it did and I just never realized. But when I don't get much sleep, I struggle so much controlling my emotions. Like for example: today has been the worst of both worlds. I only got 5 hours of sleep and then I have two of my friends pissed/annoyed with me.
It's just so hard trying to keep on top of all that. And to keep in mind, I'm 18. I'm no where near perfect and capable of handling everything well. I think anyways.
But I've learned one important thing lately.
I can't blame myself for how I'm feeling!
I can't sit around when I'm anxious with friends and be upset with myself that I'm not happy. It's okay that I'm not always happy when I'm around people. I'm human. And especially a lot of the people I'm subjected to being around aren't particularly my friends. So it makes sense. I can't blame myself for my friends being upset.  I mean of course when I make a mistake I can learn from it and realize I was wrong. But I can't sit around worrying about it. I handle it the best I can and have to accept that. And with my body. I just have to learn how to tell people that I really need my sleep. I really need to eat regularly. Etc
But I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. That doesn't help anyways, and just makes everything worse.

"Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game
...Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game"
-30 Seconds to Mars ( A Beautiful Lie )

I personally really relate to this. I know I personally really want to be different. I'm not content with the person I am. I'm not content with how I feel, act, think. So I try to force myself to be someone I'm not. i try to do the things that aren't natural to me. I try to feel what I believe is "right". I try to think like everyone else. But then again, I'm not them. I'm me. And I can't "let go of [that] truth". I'm me. It's cliche, but true. Why am I trying to be someone I'm not? Why do I want to be like them? Maybe to feel normal, but why do I want that. Maybe to feel accepted. But shouldn't I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I can fake? "Everyone's looking at me", trying to read me, trying to understand me. I'm not easy to understand. I'm not easy to follow. My throughts are sporadic. My fears and anxieties unreasonable. My imagination in a whole other spectrum. But that's me, take it or leave it. But another problem I feel is that when people are trying to get their impression of me, it's not the one I'm trying to portray or the real me. It's a fear-struck, timid girl who comes across and stuck-up and possibly bitchy. But that's not me. That's not me at all. I'm nice. I'm sweet. I'm loving. I'm accepting. So now they have an impression of me that's not what I wanted nor who I am. And so then I'm stuck running in circles. Should I be trying to uphold this image, not because that image is what other people necessarily want, but more that I want to be that person. I want to feel confident, so I try to pretend to be confident. Is that so bad? It's not like I'm exactly lying about who I am. But then again, who isn't usually. We're all trying to fit in. No one wants to hang aroud with someone who's sad, anxious, frightened, angry or timid; and especially not a combination of those. But there's parts of me, of my personality that I think are great! I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm accepting. I'm friendly. I want these aspects of me to shine through. I want these to be what people see because those I'm not faking. But do they see these either? No. I've become desperate for a sense of belonging. Of accpetance. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. Not with any group anyways. So I've tried to push down these feelings of being uncomfortable to get me into a new setting, but I don't know. I just wish who i was was good enough for me.

Sorry this wasn't very focused. Merely venting.

Sharing God's Love

First we have to define love.
What is love?
-" An affectionate concern for the well-being of others"
-"A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection"

-"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

-"We think about it, sing about it, dream about it,lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it; we search for it; when we discover it; we don't know what to do with it; when we have it; we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without."

But this is how God defines it:

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over another's sins, but delights in the truth. There is nothing love cannot face; there is not limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.

1 Corinthians 13

 

Now keep that in the back of your mind.

 

So there is this program called the 3rd project.

It's where you put God first.

Everyone else second.

And you third.

 

So we need to worhip God.

Have a deep and intimate relationship with him.

And we also need to share his love with everyone else.

We need show compassion.

 

It's a very simple concept, but so much deeper if you take the time to think about it.

And even truly feel the meaning of it.

Of taking God's love he gives to you and sharing it with others.

It's truly amazing.

 

 

Something to Think About

Forgiveness is one of the most important aspects of life. And it is one of the hardest.

Here are some quotes. Well more like a lot, but I think each one of them has a very important message that we all need to hear.

"When you hold resentment against another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve link and get free."

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness."

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you."

"The weak can never fogive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong."

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”

"Most of us can forgive and forget; we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave”

"When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.”

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

"Forgiveness means letting go of the past.”

"True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.”

"Forgive or relive”

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

"If you can't forgive and forget, pick one."

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself."

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." 

"There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site."

"What we forgive too freely doesn't stay forgiven."

"Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk.  If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator.  Forgiving seems almost unnatural.  Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do.  But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule."

"Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation."

Recovering

There's a lot of mistakes we all make when we are trying to recover after a broken relationship. Honestly if you follow all these steps, everything will work out. You will be happy again. I promise (:

1.End all communication- avoid them as much as possible. Don't text, IM, or call them.
2.Get rid all of reminders- don't keep anything that reminds you of him
3.Confide in friends- you truly need to vent and let your friends know what you're going through
4.Stop chasing- you can't be hoping that things will work out and you'll get back with them
5.Let go- along the lines of 4. You have to let go of them. And truly mean it.
6.Everything happens for a reason- It's true. There's a reason that person is no longer a part of your life.
7.Stop dreaming- along the lines of number 4 and 5. You can't fantasize about them.
8.Pray to God- Faith really does pull your through anything and everything.
9.Don't tell yourself they will change- Truth is they probably won't. You can't expect anyone to change for you. Nor should you want them to. If you loved them, you'd love them just they way they are.
10.Time- It's cliche. It sucks. But it's completely trueeeeee
11.Take it each day at a time- if you take it one day at a time everything seems simpler.
12.Happiness WILL come- You have to believe this. With all your heart.
13.Let love find you- you can't go looking for the right person. When the time is right, they will come into your life.
14.Rubber band punishment- whenever you catch yourself thinking about them, snap a rubber band on your skin. It will be a quick reminder to stop doing that.
15.Exercise- whenever you're stressed or depressed, go for a run. Do some cardio. When you exercise, hormones are released that make you feel better. There's a more scientifical answer if you want to spend the time and look it up lol
16.Keep yourself busy- when you're busy doing work or other things, it give you less time to think about that person.
17.Do what makes you happy- obviously that will lift your mood
18.Remember the negatives- it's mean to say, but you need to remember the negatives of that person and the relationship. It keeps everything in perspective.
19.Journal- it may sound silly, but it truly helps you release your emotions.
20.Stay optimisic- if you believe something it affects the way things turn out.
21.Cry- it may be viewed as "weak", but it really is good to let out your emotions.
22.Meet new people- it's fun to flirt and just have a good time. just be cautious not to expect things to occur.
23.Reward yourself when you reach a goal- if you set a goal like not talking for a month and you reach that, then reward yoursef
24.Spend time with friends- obviously it will make you feel great laughing it up with your buds
25.Goal: to be comfortable on your own- the ultimate goal is to be happy and content on your own

It's hard but if you follow all this, you're going to alright. No, you're going to be great :]

The Dating Cycle

I've seen this constantly.
Over and over.
Now this isn't always correct.
These steps can switch order, can be jumped, or not even particularly followed at all.
But in general, it's true.

With my last relationship: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
With the guy I currenlty like: 1, 2, 3

1.Infatuation- realizing you like them. Usually you get extreme happiness over just seeing or talking to them.
2.Thinking-you begin to start thinking about them a lot. You think about their past relationships. And you begin to wonder if something could happen between the two of you.
3.Hinting- you start trying to hint to them your feelings. Often you try being around them more and joining in on what they're doing.
4.Sharing-your feelings with them.
5.Begin Dating-they share the same feelings
6.Getting to Know Them-you learn all their little quirks
7.Differences-you start realizing where you disagree
8.Evaulation-Deciding if you really want this person
9.Independence-leraning to be together, but independent at the same time
10.Commitment-strong bond is formed
11.Change-can be anything. Often it's things like boredom, fighting, they become distant, inconsiderate.
12.The Break up-one finally decides it's not worth it.
13.Shock-you can't believe that they have left you
14.Anger-How could they do this to you?
15.Bargaining-Try to reason to them (or sometimes yourself) what you could change to make things work.
16.Depression-You feel pain and worthlessness. It hurts seeing them around other people or hearing about their plans.
17.Persistance-you still like them even though you shouldn't
18.Reminders-small things remind you of your feelings towards them. Could also just be seeing them.
19.Acceptance- When you finally accept that they aren't going to be a part of your life anymore
20.Rehabilitation/Reconstruction-Begin to heal. Refocusing your life.
21.Understanding-You understand what they went through and you don't hold a grudge against them.