"Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game
...Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game"
-30 Seconds to Mars ( A Beautiful Lie )

I personally really relate to this. I know I personally really want to be different. I'm not content with the person I am. I'm not content with how I feel, act, think. So I try to force myself to be someone I'm not. i try to do the things that aren't natural to me. I try to feel what I believe is "right". I try to think like everyone else. But then again, I'm not them. I'm me. And I can't "let go of [that] truth". I'm me. It's cliche, but true. Why am I trying to be someone I'm not? Why do I want to be like them? Maybe to feel normal, but why do I want that. Maybe to feel accepted. But shouldn't I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I can fake? "Everyone's looking at me", trying to read me, trying to understand me. I'm not easy to understand. I'm not easy to follow. My throughts are sporadic. My fears and anxieties unreasonable. My imagination in a whole other spectrum. But that's me, take it or leave it. But another problem I feel is that when people are trying to get their impression of me, it's not the one I'm trying to portray or the real me. It's a fear-struck, timid girl who comes across and stuck-up and possibly bitchy. But that's not me. That's not me at all. I'm nice. I'm sweet. I'm loving. I'm accepting. So now they have an impression of me that's not what I wanted nor who I am. And so then I'm stuck running in circles. Should I be trying to uphold this image, not because that image is what other people necessarily want, but more that I want to be that person. I want to feel confident, so I try to pretend to be confident. Is that so bad? It's not like I'm exactly lying about who I am. But then again, who isn't usually. We're all trying to fit in. No one wants to hang aroud with someone who's sad, anxious, frightened, angry or timid; and especially not a combination of those. But there's parts of me, of my personality that I think are great! I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm accepting. I'm friendly. I want these aspects of me to shine through. I want these to be what people see because those I'm not faking. But do they see these either? No. I've become desperate for a sense of belonging. Of accpetance. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. Not with any group anyways. So I've tried to push down these feelings of being uncomfortable to get me into a new setting, but I don't know. I just wish who i was was good enough for me.

Sorry this wasn't very focused. Merely venting.