Lust

I'm so sick of it. I know I'm a girl. I know I have this "romanticized" vision of sex, but why is that so unrealistic? Why does sex have to be recreational and meaningless?
I was talking to a friend today about how his friend got so close to losing his virginity at a party to a girl who was definitely messed up. Things went array and poor guy didn't get to go all the way.
Every guy needs the experience. That's all.
Seriously? So for guys losing your virginity needs to be completed as early as possible so you'll be experienced? I do get it from society's approach to sex. But why does it have to be that way.
I don't care if you want to mess around with someone you don't know very well. But can't we leave something for a person that you may actually love.
In my opinion, I respect guys that wait till they find a girl that they may love before making that choice. I don't respect guys that feel it is necessary for them to lose their virginity ASAP and they'll do anyone to have that. What pigs!
It just really bothers me that no one has the patience to wait for someone they love. That no one has the courage to fuck society's standards and follow some actual morals.  

I've been thinking latelu

I've struggled with anxiety for almost three years now. I've had my highs and lows, that's for sure. I know I've had periods of utter hell, but also beautiful times full of happiness, love, and joy. But recently, event though things really aren't that bad, I've been becoming more and more anxious. My body has become so sensitive, along with my heart. I feel so vulnerable. In the sense that if I screw up in any facet, I could be brinking a mental break-down. Not in the sense that I'll go crazy. More just that I'll lose control of my emotion (like I really have control of them now, but I like to think that I do). But more just that I'll become more sad, stressed, and anxious. Like when I make a mistake and hurt a friend, my heart plummets. I feel terrible for a while. I do everything I can in my power to fix the situation and try to help that person feel better and ask for their forgivenss, but in the end, there's not much I can do. And on the more biological aspect, my body can react to so much that didn't used to affect it. Or maybe it did and I just never realized. But when I don't get much sleep, I struggle so much controlling my emotions. Like for example: today has been the worst of both worlds. I only got 5 hours of sleep and then I have two of my friends pissed/annoyed with me.
It's just so hard trying to keep on top of all that. And to keep in mind, I'm 18. I'm no where near perfect and capable of handling everything well. I think anyways.
But I've learned one important thing lately.
I can't blame myself for how I'm feeling!
I can't sit around when I'm anxious with friends and be upset with myself that I'm not happy. It's okay that I'm not always happy when I'm around people. I'm human. And especially a lot of the people I'm subjected to being around aren't particularly my friends. So it makes sense. I can't blame myself for my friends being upset.  I mean of course when I make a mistake I can learn from it and realize I was wrong. But I can't sit around worrying about it. I handle it the best I can and have to accept that. And with my body. I just have to learn how to tell people that I really need my sleep. I really need to eat regularly. Etc
But I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. That doesn't help anyways, and just makes everything worse.

"Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game
...Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game"
-30 Seconds to Mars ( A Beautiful Lie )

I personally really relate to this. I know I personally really want to be different. I'm not content with the person I am. I'm not content with how I feel, act, think. So I try to force myself to be someone I'm not. i try to do the things that aren't natural to me. I try to feel what I believe is "right". I try to think like everyone else. But then again, I'm not them. I'm me. And I can't "let go of [that] truth". I'm me. It's cliche, but true. Why am I trying to be someone I'm not? Why do I want to be like them? Maybe to feel normal, but why do I want that. Maybe to feel accepted. But shouldn't I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I can fake? "Everyone's looking at me", trying to read me, trying to understand me. I'm not easy to understand. I'm not easy to follow. My throughts are sporadic. My fears and anxieties unreasonable. My imagination in a whole other spectrum. But that's me, take it or leave it. But another problem I feel is that when people are trying to get their impression of me, it's not the one I'm trying to portray or the real me. It's a fear-struck, timid girl who comes across and stuck-up and possibly bitchy. But that's not me. That's not me at all. I'm nice. I'm sweet. I'm loving. I'm accepting. So now they have an impression of me that's not what I wanted nor who I am. And so then I'm stuck running in circles. Should I be trying to uphold this image, not because that image is what other people necessarily want, but more that I want to be that person. I want to feel confident, so I try to pretend to be confident. Is that so bad? It's not like I'm exactly lying about who I am. But then again, who isn't usually. We're all trying to fit in. No one wants to hang aroud with someone who's sad, anxious, frightened, angry or timid; and especially not a combination of those. But there's parts of me, of my personality that I think are great! I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm accepting. I'm friendly. I want these aspects of me to shine through. I want these to be what people see because those I'm not faking. But do they see these either? No. I've become desperate for a sense of belonging. Of accpetance. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. Not with any group anyways. So I've tried to push down these feelings of being uncomfortable to get me into a new setting, but I don't know. I just wish who i was was good enough for me.

Sorry this wasn't very focused. Merely venting.