Each Day Gets Easier

It makes me smile.

Day 0: Crying. Heartbroken. Betrayed. So hurt.
Day 1:High anxiety. MAJOR panic attack.
Day 2: Some-what high anxiety. Minor panic attack.

It's not beautiful.
It's painful everyday.
but IT'S GETTING BETTER.

That's alllll that matters.
So I'm really looking forward to the future.
Because it's getting better.
I can't wait to see where things turn out.

Life Isn't About Waiting For the Storm to Pass,

It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

This is one of my all time favorite quotes.

What it means to me: Life isn't about waiting for the good times. Life isn't meant to be sadness and happiness seperated. They're meant to come together at times. Life isn't about just sitting around pittying yourself. Life is about enjoying what little time we have on this earth. And yes, it's little when you think about it. Things can change so quickly. Life is about making the best out of what you have, no matter how great or small it is. Life is finding joy in times of sorrow.

Life is about dancing in the rain.

Because in life, you'll pretty much always be in a storm of some type. I constantly my storm of depression, but I'm not sitting back waiting it to be over to live. I'm waiting to feel "normal", to live that way. I take everyday and make it the best I can. That's all I can do.

I feel some dancing in store (:

Bittersweet

Breaking up is hard.
It really is.
Whichever end you're on, you get hurt.
But of course the dumped gets the worst of it. It wasn't their decision, but they have to deal with it anyways.
Every situation has a good and a bad.
Breaking up is the same. It's bittersweet.
You know the bitterness.
The pain.
The loss.
The confusion.
The anxiety.
The fear.

But it's sweet at the same time.
Everything is going to change.
Scary...yes, but why not go in hopeful that something better will come along with this change.
The hope.
The relief from troubles in the relationship.
The freedom.
A new chance for something different.

Even though I feel so crushed, I'm hopeful.

Grey

Grey Street by The Dave Matthews Band

I definitely recommend you listen to this song.
It is soooo deep.
I'm only going to talk about a small portion of it.

Here are some of the lyrics:

There's an emptiness inside her

And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

This is how I interpret it,
life is full of all these beautiful colors, but if you clump them all together all you get it grey.
No one wants grey. There's no beauty in that. There's no happiness and joy.

What do the beautiful colors represent?
Life's experiences.

Every single one of them.
The laughter with friends.
That warm fuzzy feeling with that special someone.
The tears of pain.
The endless hours of work.
Family moments.
Arguments.
Everything.

Each one is it's own beautiful color, even the negative experiences. It has it's own beauty. Everything has a postive, if you only look for it. Those experience help shape you into who you are. They make you stronger. Braver. More compassion. More caring. That's beautiful to me.

The problems is people don't see the beauty in each of these colors, these experiences. They mix them all together, hoping that the outcome will just make them happy, but it doesn't. I know. It doesn't.

You need to learn to appreciate everything on it's own. To enjoy the small things. To live in the moment. And recognize, everything you go throw has beauty.

A Collection of Scales

That's what life is: a collection of scales.

In life, everything needs to balanced out. Unfortunately, we rarely get to that point. Something always outweighs something else.
We need a balance of rest, excitement, stress, happiness, sadness, love, hate, etc.
Can you tell me that you have a good balance of this?
I sure don't.
Rest: I don't get that. Yeah. I sleep. Yeah I don't run from one place to the next, but I don't relax. I'm always stressed and anxious. So no. No rest in my life.
Excitement: I get excited at times. Not as much as used to. Things don't really excite me anymore.
Stress: Well I have plenty of that. More than my share. Would you like some?
Happiness: I get happy, but I think my stress and negative feelings overpower my happiness. It only is temporary while my negative feelings are constant.
Sadness: I definitely have my share of that. Dissapointment is a daily thing for me. Hold those tears in deary.
Love: I have love. I'm greatful for that. I have such a loving family. A fucked up loving family...but a loving one all the same. I have such supportive, loving friends. I don't know where I'd be without them. And I have a somewhat loving boyfriend. He cares....in his own way.
Hate: I honestly can say I don't hate anyone. Dislike...yes. (with this category...I think dislike would be a better label. Hate is too extreme. You shouldn't put that much energy into someone you can't stand. Don't waste your time. It's completely normal to dislike people though (; )

What's the perfect balance?
It's different for every person.
But we all have something in common...we all need ALL of these in our life.
Yes, you even need sadness and dislike.
You can't appreciate the good and grow as individual without diffuculties in life.
So what do I say?
Bring on the pain. Bring on the tears. Bring on the bad times.
I know I'll hate every minute of it,
but I know afterwards I'll have learned so much.

And two scales that never balance out.
Happiness vs. Sadness

It's always tipping one way.
Am I wrong?
You're either happy or sad.
End of story.
And no, that whole.
I'm in the middle since I don't feel either.
You're sad.
Lack of happiness is sadness enough to me.
Not serious sadness. But sad both the same.

Just remember that the scale may heavy on the sadness side for you right.
I sure know it is for me, but it's not always going to be that way.
You're going to have moments when it completely flips. And hopefully with time that flip will become permanent.

It's all a healthy balance

Speeding Down the Highway

can give you such an adrenaline rush.
A relief from anxiety.
A escape from painful thoughts.

I don't know what it is with breaking rules.
For some reason human nature gets a thrill out of it.
We like to do what we're not suppose to and get away with.
Plus driving fast is just fun in general.
Honestly, can you tell me differently?

I love passing cars.
Weaving through the lanes.

No. I'm not one of those insane cars that sqeezes in between two cars almost causing an accident.
I'm not suicidal.
That there is pure stupidity.

I just enjoy the rush of it all.

And it's always great when you get your friend in his sports car to drive for you (;
I will tell you, reaching 120 was such a thrill.
Not scary in the least bit.
Fun.

Let's Count Shoulders

You may be wondering, what the heck is that. Let me show you how it works.
You sit next to that special someone. Say to them, "Hey. Let's count shoulders."
Start on your shoulder opposite of the person and end on their shoulder farthest from you.
Do you see the big picture now?
Okay. It's lame. I know.
But hey, I think it's cute.

But the point is, why would I name a blog after it? Very good question. Honestly, it wasn't my first choice. Unfortunately the better names had already been taken. So I had to use my creativity and think of something that was special to me. I wanted it to symbolize something very special to me.

Let's Count Shoulders is what I came up with.

It symbolizes a happier, carefree world. A place of peace.
Of no stress.
Of of happiness.
Of love.
Of smiles and laughter.
Of all the things I cherish most.

It's reminds of my happiest moments in life.
Of times when I'm laughing so hard with my best friends
Of times when my boy holds me tight and just looks deep into my eyes.
The times I live for.
The times when I feel nothing but pure joy.